This post could probably be very long, & has certainly become long overdue, but I think I'll keep it short, if possible.
For those of you who knew I was planning on marrying Mac Dutton, the long story-short is that now, I am not.
Because I haven't been good at journaling, & because I probably need to allow myself feel the emotions, I'll try to write a little bit of the story ... the beautiful disaster my life has been in the past 2-3 months. (Although at times it becomes harder to see the "beautiful" & easier to see the "disaster".)
Mac came home from the California Oakland mission on August 1st. I was BEYOND excited to see him & be with him again, & happy to begin the rest of our life together. After seeing him for just a couple of days, I cried to think of going home & only having weekends together. ... If I had only known how much I would cry in the weeks to come, I'd have WISHED for that to be the only hurt in my heart.
It didn't take long for life to turn into a roller coaster, driven mostly by that man who had my heart. Many days I wasn't sure if I was rising or falling, but knew I wasn't at the highest or lowest point of that roller coaster.
The "Play Book" of Plans might tell the story better than I can on my own.
Plan A. Happily Ever After
Mac & I begin dating between my mission & his, & fall in love. I go with my heart & wait as he served the Lord for 2 years. I live by this quote: "Contrary to what the cynics say, distance is not for the fearful, it is for the bold. It's for those who are willing to spend a lot of time alone in exchange for a little time with the one they love. It's for those knowing a good thing when they see it, even if they don't see it nearly enough." We fall more in love as the distance makes us stronger. Letters deepen our love as he tells me of dreams he has of our children, & hopes for our future, & we talk of when we'll begin our "forever" together. I come to feel at home in the Dutton family, build family relationships as I share in many special moments & love them all. Friendships are made that will last a lifetime. We get married & live "happily ever after".
(I guess after that, I should interject that these became the plans that came into our "playbook", but only one could become our reality.)
Plan B. for Break-up
Mac decides he's confused beyond what he can handle with life home from the mission, & I am the only confusing thing he can get rid of. He calls me on the day that marks 32 months since our relationship began (yeah, that's 2 years 8 months- more than 1/10 of my lifetime, which means MORE of his) & he breaks my heart, yet again. (We had 2 break-ups pre-Mac's-mission, but I thought that those choices on his behalf could only make me love & respect him more.) Not what I was expecting, having not been aware of anything more than Plan A, & some distance I was beginning to feel in our relationship as I tried to give him space to work out his confusion.
Plan C. Dating-ish
(Came about because I could not find peace about breaking up, & went to Flagstaff to talk to Mac about it. When he couldn't tell me that breaking up with me had given him the peace he was trying to find, we settled on "Plan C.")
This plan is, in theory, us still dating each other, but dating other people too, see how things go, & figure it out. I should have known that this plan would be extremely difficult for me, & would hurt, because my heart was fully invested in this man I'd so long given all of my heart to.
It seemed to me that Plan C became Mac calling me his girlfriend whenever he wanted to, but the rest of the time he was single & free, & I was essentially ignored. I couldn't do this plan. It felt like we were simply cheating on each other. I came to feel a strong need to tell Mac not to bother kissing me or telling me that he loved me until he chose me, that if he was dating other girls & me, neither they nor I deserved to be treated with that disrespect. I was going to tell him that if he loved me, he should have eyes only for me, & if he was confused he needed to figure it out so we could either work togther or so I could get on with my life & find a man who will love only me, & will choose only me... I don't deserve to cry anymore because the man I had loved & only been faithful to could not decide on the answer he had told me he had repeatedly received. I did take the opportunity to tell him these things, as part of our final conversation.
Less than a month after we had decided on Plan C, Mac finally told me, over chat, that he thought "we should go back to Plan B." This after he had ignored me for much of the "Plan C" time, & completely ignored me for my birthday & most of the week surrounding it. We hadn't been on any dates together during "Plan C" (we only had one after his mission, while we were still going with Plan A.), but had both found dates separately. Without any kind of explanation, we reached the end of our chapter. As much as it hurt (& still does at times), I found that overall, it hurt(s) less to just lose someone, than to love them & be ignored in return.
A couple of things that express so many of my feelings, that I'd like to share...
The pain comes in waves...
An explanation about experiencing loss that was perfect to me, from Donna Lawyer.
"Like waves those moments come. At first with the power to knock you off your feet, and you fear drowning in the sorrow. Little by little the waves have less strength and are fewer and further between. Then sometimes they seem to knock you down unexpectedly. Then go back to the pattern of less and less. Till you are ready to move to a different place..."
I am beyond grateful to certain friends & loved ones who have been my strength when I have felt nothing but broken.
Thanks especially to Donna for sharing your profound thoughts with me & allowing me to share your words, as they put my feelings into coherent thoughts.
This also came from Donna Lawyer, & her grandaughter, Sarah Peterson. It too expressed the feelings of my heart perfectly.
"It's not having them walk away without reason; it's not the hurt you felt when they began to ignore you; it's not the betrayal you feel when you realize what they told you was a lie; it's not the lonliness that replaces the passion whne they denounce their claim on you; it's knowing that somehow, in some way, you weren't good enough. But after night, comes day." -Sarah Peterson
"Perhaps what they said was not a lie, but was only for the moment; only temporary, like a butterfly sits upon one's shoulder then flits away to another bright flower...Not "good enough" in their eyes. What do they know of flowers? Only boquets to be set upon a table, to look upon as one passes by... to adorn their lives but never to keep." -Donna Lawyer
"For every tear shed, hope is kindled; for every heart broken, the dawn comes; the world still turns, the flowers still bloom, the rain still falls, the wind still whispers, the stars still wink and laugh at you, and life goes on." - Sarah Peterson
"Yes, and for every thought that pierces your heart, comes healing. And for every loss that floods your mind with its pain, there is still that hope, that knowing, that a new path will open on the horizon of tomorrow; flower strewn." - Donna Lawyer
As my life became a roller coaster, even before "Plan B" or "Plan C" came into existance, I found a new favorite song, that still gives me strength. It's called "Strengthen My Faith" written by Tyler Castleton & sung by Dave Kimball
" In my weakness
I come to you with a prayer in my heart
Humbly yearning
Seeking for guidance to know where to start
You know my soul & my honest desire
Build from this flame an unquenchable fire
Bless me & strengthen my faith
Guide me & light up my way
You touched the blind man & gave him his sight
And You blessed the widow who offered her mite
Please bless my faith
Bless my faith
as I seek to know You & follow Your ways
Bless me & strengthen my faith
When I listen
You can remind me what I've always known
That as I follow
I learn to trust in the love You have shown
Striving to follow the simplist truths
I'm doing my best & then trusting in You
Bless me & strengthen my faith
Prove me in every way
You called to Lazarus "rise from the dead"
When You saw the faith and the tears that were shed
Please bless my faith
Oh, bless my faith
As I seek to know You and walk in Your ways
Bless me and strengthen my faith
As I seek to know You and follow Your ways
Bless me and strengthen my faith
As I seek to know You and follow Your ways
Bless me and strength my faith"
And He does. I know He has felt each pain, & all my suffering. And because He has, He understands perfectly what I feel, & He strengthens me in my weakness.
