101 Things I Can Count On...

I've been working on this post for a long while, & it's been fun to think of new things to add!

101. Life is BeAutiful. (Even if it may not always seem that way-It is a Beautiful Disaster!)

100. The love of family.
99. I can do & be better. 98. I've been blessed with wonderful friends.

97. My puppy wanting to give (me) kisses.

96. You can't live life afraid.

95. Change is CONSTANT.

94. Reading old journals can bring back all the same emotions.

93. My friends being simply AMAZING!

92. People come for food.

91. Wanting to learn MORE.

90. Taking kids to a park is fun!

89. Falling in love is always a little bit scary.

88. Wanting to be a Mama.

87. Studying God's word brings answers & peace.

86. Kids saying the most wonderful things!

85. Learning more about myself.

84. When I pray, He hears me.

83. Always already Knowing at least part of the why when life feels CRazY.

82. Sunsets make me happy.

81. Seth & Croix make me SMILE.

80. Being "bold" can be uber scary.

79. Finding a new song that I LOVE.

78. Listening to old favorite songs brings those memories back.

77. Being an Auntie is one of life's great treasures.

76. Tomorrow will come.

75. I am awkward.

74. A good book reels me in.

73. Having "Besties" who I can talk to about anything.

72. The Gospel of Jesus Christ.

71. The Temple bringing joy.

70. Wanting to eat that piece of Chocolate.

69. Loving some hot chocolate in a mug.

68. Enjoying cuddling.

67. Things will be funnier when I'm tired.

66. There will be more laundry to wash, fold, & put away.

65. Music speaks to my soul.

64. Loving to sing.

63. My hammock making me happy.

62. Catching a gorgeous sunrise is worth getting up that much earlier.

61. Occasionally finding that competitive streak in me.

60. Cheese is yummy.

59. Hours can be wasted online, if I'm not careful.

58. Addictinggames.com can actually be addicting, given the opportunity.

57. Reading other people's blogs helps me keep up with their lives.

56. If something's scary, it might not be if I try again.

55. Sometimes what I want & what I need are not the same thing.

54. Lindt Milk Chocolate with White Cream is the best chocolate I've ever had.

53. Prescott holds amazing Christmas traditions.

52. Christmas will feel more like Christmas if I go to the Courthouse Lighting & the Walk Through Bethlehem.

51. Family brings happiness.

50. Family relationships can be tricky.

49. Tastes change.

48. A picture can be worth a thousand words.

47. Painted toe nails make me feel girly.

46. A hug can make it all better, at least for a moment.

45. Sometimes I just need to cry.

44. Some things, & some people, may never change.

43. Feeling inadequate.

42. Needing to change for the better.

41. "I can do hard things." (Even if I don't always believe it in the moment...)

40. The urge to "straighten" that desert.

39. Being stronger than I thought I was.

38. Finding joy in the journey.

37. The continual realization that I am a "work in progress".

36. RandomNesS can be so fun & exciting! & it makes me happy!

35. It can be surprising who your best friends are.

34. The people who pass through my life touch me & leave an impression, whether they're there for a reason, a season, or a lifetime.

33. God's hand is in my life.

32. Moving is a lot of work.

31. After night comes day, always a new day full of promise.

30. Flowers can brighten up a room, or a difficult day/week.

29. Someone LOVES me.

28. Life will be full of the unexpected.

27. People are beautiful, no matter their "body type" or the color of their skin.

26. Beauty lies in who a person is, & not in what they look like.

25. "I need more chocolate in my life."

24. Time is one of life's very best gifts.

23. Wanting to hike/run/etc, even though I'll probably end up wodering (again) WHY I love it!

22. Time goes so quickly.... When it's running out.

21. Sometimes when a day feels like a week, weeks race by like days.

20. Finding friends in random/unexpected places.

19. Wondering where that bruise came from.

18. Trenton helping me out without complaining.

17. Finding miracles every single time I look for them.

16. Wanting to buy new shoes, but having a heck of a time finding shoes I like.

15. My phone will eventually give up on me.

14. Laughter is the best medicine. I love to laugh!

13. Fighting the shy in myself when I'm in new situations.

12. Being able to get by just fine without TV.

11. Drinking ice water in restaurants with ceiling fans = goosbumps.

10. Recognizing all the beauty in the world if I stop to look around.

9. Going to church each Sunday helps me face the coming week.

8. Distractions. (They don't have to be evil to be effective.)

7. Never getting enough sleep.

6. Wanting to capture the moment, to keep it forever.

5.Learning, growing, slipping, repeat.

4. Being me, & knowing that I am good enough because I'm doing the best I can.

3. I am a daughter of God, & have within me all the potential which that implies.

2. Jesus Christ is my Savior, He loves me, & will always welcome me with open arms.

1. God is my Father, & Loves Me more infinitely than I can understand.

Another Chapter of My Life Comes to an End.

This post could probably be very long, & has certainly become long overdue, but I think I'll keep it short, if possible.

For those of you who knew I was planning on marrying Mac Dutton, the long story-short is that now, I am not.

Because I haven't been good at journaling, & because I probably need to allow myself feel the emotions, I'll try to write a little bit of the story ... the beautiful disaster my life has been in the past 2-3 months. (Although at times it becomes harder to see the "beautiful" & easier to see the "disaster".)

Mac came home from the California Oakland mission on August 1st. I was BEYOND excited to see him & be with him again, & happy to begin the rest of our life together. After seeing him for just a couple of days, I cried to think of going home & only having weekends together. ... If I had only known how much I would cry in the weeks to come, I'd have WISHED for that to be the only hurt in my heart.

It didn't take long for life to turn into a roller coaster, driven mostly by that man who had my heart. Many days I wasn't sure if I was rising or falling, but knew I wasn't at the highest or lowest point of that roller coaster.

The "Play Book" of Plans might tell the story better than I can on my own.

Plan A. Happily Ever After
Mac & I begin dating between my mission & his, & fall in love. I go with my heart & wait as he served the Lord for 2 years. I live by this quote: "Contrary to what the cynics say, distance is not for the fearful, it is for the bold. It's for those who are willing to spend a lot of time alone in exchange for a little time with the one they love. It's for those knowing a good thing when they see it, even if they don't see it nearly enough." We fall more in love as the distance makes us stronger. Letters deepen our love as he tells me of dreams he has of our children, & hopes for our future, & we talk of when we'll begin our "forever" together. I come to feel at home in the Dutton family, build family relationships as I share in many special moments & love them all. Friendships are made that will last a lifetime. We get married & live "happily ever after".

(I guess after that, I should interject that these became the plans that came into our "playbook", but only one could become our reality.)

Plan B. for Break-up
Mac decides he's confused beyond what he can handle with life home from the mission, & I am the only confusing thing he can get rid of. He calls me on the day that marks 32 months since our relationship began (yeah, that's 2 years 8 months- more than 1/10 of my lifetime, which means MORE of his) & he breaks my heart, yet again. (We had 2 break-ups pre-Mac's-mission, but I thought that those choices on his behalf could only make me love & respect him more.) Not what I was expecting, having not been aware of anything more than Plan A, & some distance I was beginning to feel in our relationship as I tried to give him space to work out his confusion.

Plan C. Dating-ish
(Came about because I could not find peace about breaking up, & went to Flagstaff to talk to Mac about it. When he couldn't tell me that breaking up with me had given him the peace he was trying to find, we settled on "Plan C.")
This plan is, in theory, us still dating each other, but dating other people too, see how things go, & figure it out. I should have known that this plan would be extremely difficult for me, & would hurt, because my heart was fully invested in this man I'd so long given all of my heart to.
It seemed to me that Plan C became Mac calling me his girlfriend whenever he wanted to, but the rest of the time he was single & free, & I was essentially ignored. I couldn't do this plan. It felt like we were simply cheating on each other. I came to feel a strong need to tell Mac not to bother kissing me or telling me that he loved me until he chose me, that if he was dating other girls & me, neither they nor I deserved to be treated with that disrespect. I was going to tell him that if he loved me, he should have eyes only for me, & if he was confused he needed to figure it out so we could either work togther or so I could get on with my life & find a man who will love only me, & will choose only me... I don't deserve to cry anymore because the man I had loved & only been faithful to could not decide on the answer he had told me he had repeatedly received. I did take the opportunity to tell him these things, as part of our final conversation.

Less than a month after we had decided on Plan C, Mac finally told me, over chat, that he thought "we should go back to Plan B." This after he had ignored me for much of the "Plan C" time, & completely ignored me for my birthday & most of the week surrounding it. We hadn't been on any dates together during "Plan C" (we only had one after his mission, while we were still going with Plan A.), but had both found dates separately. Without any kind of explanation, we reached the end of our chapter. As much as it hurt (& still does at times), I found that overall, it hurt(s) less to just lose someone, than to love them & be ignored in return.


A couple of things that express so many of my feelings, that I'd like to share...

The pain comes in waves...
An explanation about experiencing loss that was perfect to me, from Donna Lawyer.

"Like waves those moments come. At first with the power to knock you off your feet, and you fear drowning in the sorrow. Little by little the waves have less strength and are fewer and further between. Then sometimes they seem to knock you down unexpectedly. Then go back to the pattern of less and less. Till you are ready to move to a different place..."

I am beyond grateful to certain friends & loved ones who have been my strength when I have felt nothing but broken.

Thanks especially to Donna for sharing your profound thoughts with me & allowing me to share your words, as they put my feelings into coherent thoughts.


This also came from Donna Lawyer, & her grandaughter, Sarah Peterson. It too expressed the feelings of my heart perfectly.

"It's not having them walk away without reason; it's not the hurt you felt when they began to ignore you; it's not the betrayal you feel when you realize what they told you was a lie; it's not the lonliness that replaces the passion whne they denounce their claim on you; it's knowing that somehow, in some way, you weren't good enough. But after night, comes day." -Sarah Peterson

"Perhaps what they said was not a lie, but was only for the moment; only temporary, like a butterfly sits upon one's shoulder then flits away to another bright flower...Not "good enough" in their eyes. What do they know of flowers? Only boquets to be set upon a table, to look upon as one passes by... to adorn their lives but never to keep." -Donna Lawyer

"For every tear shed, hope is kindled; for every heart broken, the dawn comes; the world still turns, the flowers still bloom, the rain still falls, the wind still whispers, the stars still wink and laugh at you, and life goes on." - Sarah Peterson

"Yes, and for every thought that pierces your heart, comes healing. And for every loss that floods your mind with its pain, there is still that hope, that knowing, that a new path will open on the horizon of tomorrow; flower strewn." - Donna Lawyer


As my life became a roller coaster, even before "Plan B" or "Plan C" came into existance, I found a new favorite song, that still gives me strength. It's called "Strengthen My Faith" written by Tyler Castleton & sung by Dave Kimball

" In my weakness
I come to you with a prayer in my heart
Humbly yearning
Seeking for guidance to know where to start
You know my soul & my honest desire
Build from this flame an unquenchable fire

Bless me & strengthen my faith
Guide me & light up my way
You touched the blind man & gave him his sight
And You blessed the widow who offered her mite
Please bless my faith
Bless my faith
as I seek to know You & follow Your ways
Bless me & strengthen my faith

When I listen
You can remind me what I've always known
That as I follow
I learn to trust in the love You have shown
Striving to follow the simplist truths
I'm doing my best & then trusting in You

Bless me & strengthen my faith
Prove me in every way
You called to Lazarus "rise from the dead"
When You saw the faith and the tears that were shed
Please bless my faith
Oh, bless my faith
As I seek to know You and walk in Your ways
Bless me and strengthen my faith

As I seek to know You and follow Your ways
Bless me and strengthen my faith
As I seek to know You and follow Your ways
Bless me and strength my faith"

And He does. I know He has felt each pain, & all my suffering. And because He has, He understands perfectly what I feel, & He strengthens me in my weakness.

Blah, Blah, Blog

Nothing I've posted recently has been very important, or much of an update. So... Little as it may be, here's an update.

I've been taking 3 college classes. One was in person through Yavapai College, & (YAY!), it's done! The other two are online, & are prooving to be a struggle, since I have to work with a child for tutoring sessions. The best time so far seems to be pulling her during specials to work with her, since her mom isn't being entirely helpful.

At this point I am still VERY unsure of my job for next school year. I'm still trying to be hopeful that I will be employed, but I'm also putting out applications, & even had a job interview today. It went pretty well, but I think they don't want me, because I need to be in a high-poverty school in Arizona, & will take a position in that kind of situation before I would stay with the preschool. They sounded like they might hire me for a sub, but I doubt I'd have much work that way.

Every single one of my kids hit (or well exceeded) their end of the year Benchmark goals for their testing! We're having a party tomorrow with pizza & ice-cream to celebrate! Our entire Kinder grade level is at 99% benchmarked kid-o's, with only one left to be tested! That's better than ... pretty much EVER! :D

School is coming to an end- only 15 more days of school! In the meantime, we've got our pizza/ice-cream party, more "Flat Stanley's" coming back, a tie-dye shirt project, swiming day, report cards, learning-learning-learning & Celebrating, before Kindergarten Graduation on June 4th. That's also the day I'm supposed to have my classroom empty. :( It will be a terribly sad day. My kids have grown up so much, & are really, pretty much Amazing!

Right after school ends, I'll be heading up to Flagstaff! Friday June 5 is Laurie's HS Graduation! (Congrats to Laurie!!) I'm excited to see Dutton's, since it's been FAR too long since I've been able to spend some time with that great family!

And in Flagstaff on the 6th I'm taking the Early Childhood AEPA... WISH ME LUCK! I'm a little bit terrified of all the technical things I may or may not know/remember! :P I think I need to figure out some way to study before I have to take that test!

Seth is adorable, though I don't get to see him much lately. He doesn't talk a lot, but he knows a few signs- (most especially please, & food... "food please"), & is very effective at communicating what he wants, where he wants you to come, & yes & no. If you want to see him nod "yes"... just ask him if he's hungry (especially after he's been with his mom.) Or, when his diaper's wet, ask if he needs a new diaper. He'll tell you. :D He's just about ready for potty training... or, really I guess I'd say he seems ready NOW, but I'm not sure his daddy's quite ready. ;)

Bear is loving having 2 other dogs to play with. He also loves raiding their food bowls & has gained back all the weight he lost & then some. If anyone has suggestions on putting a big, fat, black lab on a diet, please share! Last night I (FINALLY) bought him a nice, BIG, new bed from costco. No pics yet, but maybe if I can get him to lay on it & pose, I'll get one up here.

Well, for now, that's a little update. Hope you enjoyed it!

General Conference

Today I've already had the chance to watch 2 sessions of General Conference. I love this chance, twice each year, to listen to Prophets & Apostles, & other leaders in Christ's church. They share messages of hope, peace in a turbulent world, & guidance to strengthen families & individuals. Listening to these inspired men & women, & through them the words of the Lord, inspires me to do & be better, & gives me strength.
I LOVE it!
Tomorrow I get 2 more sessions!

A New Roommate!

So since I got the job, I'm moving to Prescott. And since I quit my illegal immigrant job, I'm ALREADY moving. It's change, & this one makes me sad & excited, but I still think it's good! With these changes... This is one of my new roommates in Prescott. I love him lots!

I've got a job!!

Early this morning I was up in Chino Valley for a job interview, and I was told to expect to hear back on Thursday. I've already been offered 2 other positions that I didn't feel good about taking, but I've felt really good about accepting this one if it is offered to me.
Well... TONIGHT the Principal called me & offered me the position! and ... I accepted!

I'M GOING TO TEACH 4TH GRADE AT TERRITORIAL ELEMENTARY SCHOOL!

I'm pretty excited, & wanted to let everyone know!

Third Offer's the Charm!

The good stuff

Life is beautiful. It just is. And I just need to remember that. Seth is out of the hospital. Mac is doing well. He's working hard, and he loves me. I'm pulling a solid B in my spanish class. Things are coming together as I'm teaching in my student teaching placement. I had a screening interview today with MPS. I passed the AEPA, even though the day I took it I was sick, and it was moving day. My roommate's dog loves me. My lesson plan for Monday's observation is done. My week is planned out. My bed is painted and ready to be put together. Nikki is in Mesa right now. Danelle and Kristine are comming and staying with me tonight. I'm going to the Temple with Danelle tonight. I'm out of my boxes (almost ALL the way) and today is March first, which was my goal. I've been sleeping in my own bed and not waking up hurting.

Life is beautiful.